Drinks With The Girls

Blog Bedlam for Our Delicious Readers

“Metro Muscle” August 29, 2008

Filed under: Cosmo,fitness,funny,health,humor,Laughter,Life,perv — Cosmo @ 1:39 pm
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FUCK! I am 30 minutes late for an event that I am hosting and now I’m lost! Why does downtown have to have sooo many one way streets? I think it is a conspiracy with the gas companies. So many people get lost & drive around town like an adult merry-go-round ride with out the merry.
Passing by my nemesis street for the 3rd time, I see a business called metro muscle. Even frustrated as I am, my brain still works over time with that bit of comedy. Immediately, I picture a peen in a “club shirt”. Of course, I have to drive by…again. I’m already 30 minutes late, what are a few more minutes?
Driving by again, I notice the whole logo “Metro Muscle the Lightening Bolt of Fitness 24/7” HILLARIOUS!
Now, every time I drive by one of these gyms, I can’t but picture a peen in club shirt working out. Of course, I end up squirting whatever beverage I’m drinking at the time, right though my nose.

BTW, I’ve heard these are good gyms, 24/7 access for these Metro muscles (Snicker…), juice bar (What kind of Juice do peen need?), and variety of classes (endurance and foreplay classes are the most popular)
Perv Cosmo.

Peen Shirt

Peen Shirt

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God Mobile Or Torcher Device? August 27, 2008

Filed under: Cosmo,crazy,funny,humor,Laughter,Life — Cosmo @ 3:27 pm
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Apparently, some state fairs now have God Mobiles. On one of Dawn & Drew’s adventures (a Fav podcast of mine) they uncovered one of the elusive heavenly vehicles. (http://mevio.com/video/?persona_id=739&movie_id=ee914d06492663d0fa1d6ecddb8fc0f0)
How it works:
A immaculately groomed carnie (carnival worker), has the psychic insite to guess if someone is going to heaven based on the suckers customers answers to two questions. Dawn and Drew fail to mention what the two questions are, but I can guess.
Question Number 1) Are you the Devil in disguise.
If the answer was yes…I think the heavenly carnie operator would be able to say “you are going Down-Town” with some authority.
Question Number 2) Do you cut people off in Traffic

(Oh that can’t be a question, or “Down Town” would be grossly over populated & would include Me. )
Question Number 2) Do you like Ugly Babies?
If you say yes, which almost everyone would, the the person in question has a one way ticket to “Down Town” <envision the Music of Down town playing in the background>. If the person answered yes…you KNOW they are lying, thus the Hell destination.
If they say yes.. well the person is going straight to hell regardless because they are too mean to arrive at another destination.

Ok…seriously. The God Mobile operator would be the BEST job. You could ask all kinds of questions & tell everyone they are destined for the pearly gates. Everyone would be happy & the God Mobile would have Many MANY book ideas!
What would your questions be?
Putting the Sassy in Cosmo!

 

Karen, the GPS July 18, 2008

Filed under: Cars,Cosmo,funny,humor,Laughter,Life,Rummy,Travel — Cosmo @ 10:29 am
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A GPS is a wonderful thing. You can just hop in the car & take off without worrying about getting directions. Although, having one for about a year, I’ve noticed a few downsides to having this new hunk of technology.

My GPS, that I lovingly call Karen, is a life saver. She tells me exactly where to go, saves locations and has unending patience. Karen never yells or comments about what a complete idiot I am and that has no reason driving, when I’ve made a wrong turn for the 47th time. Of course this does not prevent me from cursing her. Karen has been called about every thing you can imagine. From Stupid machine, to a psycho crazy robotic piece of shit and those are a few of the tamer nicknames she has. As soon as these horrible things come out of my mouth, and shock my passenger (or person I am chatting with on the phone), I quickly apologize. You never know when Karen might take revenge.
In fact, I’m pretty sure Karen has already used her power for evil. Sometimes she will go on and on about how I’m in the middle of a lake, when it is quite obvious that there has NEVER been a lake at that location and the strip mall (where the lake is suppose to be) is obviously over 20 years old.
One downside when you own a GPS over an extended period of time, you forget how to get places. Street names are a thing of the past. Since I organize a lot of group events for an awesome meetup group, I often get asked, how do I get there (to a place I am already having a beer at). My response is…only Karen knows. Which leads to a conversation about why would I name my GPS…ect.
Another curious aspect of Karen is that she has a UK accent. I choose a female voice because I thought I wouldn’t yell at the GPS as much… that turned out to be a bogus theory, btw. No one likes “Recalculating”, or “Follow the highlighted route” 20 times in a row…thus the name calling.
Lately I’ve been saying a few things in a British accent. Small things, but it’s a little strange since I don’t hang out with anyone that has a UK accent. It was a really starting to get on my nerves. Driving to an event one night (paintball..ouch), I noticed that Karen had a UK accent as well. OMG that is where I was getting it from, I thought. I was mocking my GPS, how messed up is that? I immediately called a friend, so that we could laugh about it together. Issues like that are ALWAYS better when shared.
So there you have it. A GPS can be a godsend, but there are a few drawbacks. A word of advice, unless you want to sound like a British TV character, stick to the English voice on your GPS.

**Update**
Due to some encouragement on my part, a good friend (Rummy) purchased a GPS for her truck. Recently she informed me she really liked it, but it wasn’t very useful for directions.

I replied, with a confused look on my face “Then what is it good for?
Rummy said “Learning French”.

Apparently Rummy set her GPS to talk in French… Wonder if she will start having a French accent soon?

Direction Impaired Cosmo

 

Gay Head, Gay Head!! July 11, 2008

Filed under: funny,humor,Laughter,Life,Rummy — Rummy @ 12:18 pm
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Now that I have your attention I have to let you know that Gay Head is a just a town on Martha’s Vineyard and was part of my latest travel destination and adventure.  Fortunately there was no truth in advertising but we did have a good time snickering about it.  We did see several Fairies… I mean Ferries but that’s not the same thing at all.  Yes I know I’m 40 now and shouldn’t still act so silly but who says I have to grow up.  Speaking of no truth in advertising I didn’t see a single vineyard on Martha’s Vineyard.  Maybe it’s a bad crop year or something.  We did see a cornfield when we were cruising around in our bright blue convertible rental car.   I would have thought the property there would be too expensive to grow corn but maybe this was special “vineyard corn” and sold for $10 an ear.  Who knows?  Martha’s ice cream shop would have been a better name for the place since there was an ice cream shop on practically every corner.  I felt bad for the poor overworked cows.  We quickly got bored of the ice cream so we took our unsuspecting rental car on some major off road trails.  These were jeep trails and not made for a sports car.  It was fun for us but probably not so much for the car.  No worries we returned it in one piece and still had some funny stories to tell and pictures to show. 

 

Our vacation was mostly to Boston but somehow that just didn’t make as good of a title for this blog.  We watched the fireworks down by the Charles River.  It was a great show until the smoke blocked out most of the fireworks and we were just listening to the booms and looking at smoke.  After the smoke show we had to cross over a 10 foot wide bridge to get out of the park with 599,998 of our closest friends.  The best thing about the event was the drunken partying people afterwards.  I ran into 3 women singing patriotic songs.  I convinced them to sing Neil Diamond’s America with me much to the dismay of my boyfriend since I had been teasing him all day with that song.  Out of nowhere I would sing a line or two or just shout “Today”.  It’s amazing he puts up with me

 

I also did some cone skating on the fourth.  As if just plain old inline skating isn’t hard enough, this group weaves through cones placed just a few feet apart downhill on their skates.  I call it rubber legs.  If you’ve ever seen it you would know what I mean.  I do ok but my legs just don’t seem to bend as well.  While I was skating my boyfriend went for a walk.  He returned with a pina colada in a coconut.  I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.  This wouldn’t have surprised me on our recent trip to the Bahamas but somehow it just didn’t seem to fit in with Boston on the fourth…kinda like combining hot dogs and a fine wine.  But we’ve determined that it is perhaps possible to get a drink in a coconut anywhere in the world and will be testing this theory at our future vacation destinations.   Yellowstone coconut coladas here we come!

 

Another fun activity on our vacation adventure was the Historic Pub Crawl.  It’s actually called the Freedom Trail and passes several historic sites but seems to pass a lot of bars along the way too so we made a few extra stops.  Supposedly a lot of the decisions made by our founding fathers were made over a pint or two of ale.  So I think from now on I will make all my decisions that way.  Should I take this new promotion?  Think I’ll get drunk and then decide.  This could get interesting.

 

To top off my vacation I got picked for the ‘random’ search at the airport for both my departing flights.  Apparently I am a major threat to national security…good to know.  The search on the departing flight from Orlando wasn’t bad.  It was faster than the normal line and I got felt up by a cute girl – could’ve been worse.  The way back was a different story.  It took close to 30 minutes.  They even checked my oh so suspicious skates for chemical residual. Other people getting the “special treatment” included a black girl in spandex pants (hard to hide anything in what she was wearing) and a very well dressed foreign looking man who said “I’m glad they are doing searches”.  I was thinking “yeah I’m glad they are searching you too but I think the spandex girl and I are pretty safe bets”.  I’m surprised they let the Girl Scouts go through without a strip search!  No telling what was in their cookie boxes.

 

It was a fun trip.  If it sounds at all like I’m complaining it’s just me trying to find humor and entertain you with some of the more colorful experiences.  I think it would be fun to live in Boston since I like big cities and there was so much to see and do.  But I think I would change my mind when the temperature dropped below 60 degrees.  I’m a warm weather Florida girl after all.

 

Rummy “Boston Haaabar” Runner

 

 

The Black Sheep of Yoga June 27, 2008

Filed under: funny,humor,Laughter,Life,Rummy — Rummy @ 12:06 pm
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My latest sporting adventure is a little different from my usual extremes of mountain biking and kite boarding.  I recently took up Hot Yoga, which involves bending your body into all kinds of unusual positions in a steaming hot 105-degree room.  You may be wondering how this could possibly pass for fun but somehow in my mind it does.  I guess I enjoy it since it’s new, challenging, and good for your health.  In a 90-minute class I get strength training, aerobic exercise, stretching, balance, relaxation and sweating out gallons of toxins.  I’ve really enjoyed seeing my flexibility and balance improve over the past few months.  Plus I now have many vacation pictures with yoga poses in them, which makes the pictures more fun. 

Unfortunately my silly personality doesn’t quite fit with hot yoga.  It’s supposed to be a spiritual experience.  Right.  I think the “spiritual experience” is more a sign of heat stroke approaching.   My boyfriend and I like to act silly and so are developing a “black sheep” reputation in the class.  Just last class we got in trouble for playing footsie between postures.  Some people get recognized for doing a good job but we only get noticed for misbehaving.  Well I guess any recognition is better than none at all, right?

The instructors say the same thing every class.  There is one balance move that I just can’t seem to get and the instructor says every class “if you’re losing your balance, you aren’t kicking hard enough”.  So I’m thinking I’ll show him just how hard I can kick when I see him in the parking lot after class.  Or they don’t get the English quite right, like in “touch your knee to your exactly forehead”.  Which is different from my regular forehead how?  I do believe the postures are good for your health and internal organs but there is one position where they say “20 seconds in this posture is as good as 8 hours sleep”.  Yeah right.  Get a clue exactly guy, it’s probably as good as exactly 20 seconds of sleep.  Did I mention that the instructor doesn’t even do the moves with the class?  He just stands up there and tells us what to do.  Somehow that just doesn’t seem fair but at least he suffers through the heat too.

The class always ends with the teacher saying “Namaste” and the students repeating it.  I never knew quite what this meant, and I didn’t want to be saying “I will give you my first born” so I never said it.  My boyfriend looked it up and in short it means “I bow to you” and is just a respectful greeting.   So why can’t they just do what the Jamaicans do and say “Respect Mon”?  Anyway, my boyfriend then sent me an email saying “I bow to you – let’s come together energetically to a place of connection and timelessness”.  Hmmm I wonder what he exactly wants. 

Anyway, it’s fun and I’m glad I tried something new – you just never know.  And who cares if we “exactly” fit in?

Rummy “It’s Hot in Here” Runner 

 

 

 

NPR and Peens June 13, 2008

Filed under: Cosmo,crazy,funny,humor,Laughter,Life,naked,Sex — Cosmo @ 10:01 am
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Stiffies

Today on NPR, Yes I do listen to NPR sometimes. They were talking about how bookstores return books to publishers. And how it drives up the price of books due to shipping costs…ect…ect. Now for the good part.

A friend just sent me this link that chats about Peens & size of.  Besides the fact that I MUST read (or at least browse) this book, I doubt this one will getting returned anytime soon.

Funny, NPR didn’t mention that to decrease book returns, more books could be about Peens.

Wacky Cosmo

 

Look! Up in the Sky – It’s a bird, It’s a plane…it’s a kite board! June 9, 2008

Filed under: humor,Laughter,Life,Rummy — Rummy @ 5:17 pm
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I’ve always thought I was special and my mom has always confirmed this but I’m not sure I fall into the elite top 1%.  I’m referring to my newly attempted hobby of kite boarding.  My friend/trainer who excels at kite boarding describes it as “absolutely positively the wrong sport for 99% of the population”.   In case you don’t know about kite boarding or kite surfing it involves a big kite that uses the wind to propel you on a board through the water.  You will probably see someone attempting this if you get to the beach on a slightly windy day anytime soon.   Plus you can kite on land and ice so you may see the big colorful kites on non-beachy areas as well.  I’ve wanted to try this sport for years so I was happy when I finally met someone who could teach me.  I usually don’t need lessons when I take up a new sport but this one seems more complicated than most.  So far I’m falling into the 99% category since I’m a bit scared of all the power you can get from the wind and the weather never seems to be quite right when I finally make the hour long drive to the beach.  But I haven’t given up yet.  I have a dream…that one day I will be able to get up on a kite board for at least a few feet.  I’ll keep you posted.  But even if I never get up on the board it’s still been a positive experience.  I’ve had fun learning to fly the kite on the beach and getting dragged in the water, I’ve made some new friends and I’ve learned to pay more attention to wind speed and direction.   I recommend trying a new sport or hobby to everyone as a good way to learn something new and keep life interesting and challenging.  Perhaps just not kite boarding.

 

Rummy “Not Flying High” Runner