Drinks With The Girls

Blog Bedlam for Our Delicious Readers

Testicles and a George Foreman Grill May 19, 2008

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate
many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave
absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d
certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white
shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos
on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that
maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each
month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the
curse’ ? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying
jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough
time for most women.

In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge
to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because
he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the
reason
for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I
wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you ***** kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the
local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your
life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something
that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending ****
****. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Soon to be inbred Hillbilly with Knife skills
Austin , TX

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